Released almost 50 years ago, in the aftermath of the American War in Vietnam, this song by Kansas still captures our experience today.
Carry on my wayward son
There’ll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don’t you cry no more
Once I rose above the noise and confusion
Just to get a glimpse of this illusion
I was soaring ever higher
But I flew too high
Though my eyes could see, I was still a blind man
Though my mind could think, I was still a mad man
Masquerading as a man with a reason
My charade is the event of the season
And if I claim to be a wise man
It surely means that I don’t know
On a stormy sea of moving emotion
Tossed about, I’m like a ship on the ocean
I don’t know about you, but those lyrics speak oceans to me. There is nothing like a song to help us rise above the noise. And yet, what does it take to transcend our illusions, particularly if that’s not our strength? It seems to me that it’s way too easy just to write off the need for change and transformation because, “well, it’s just not my forte.” Here are some quotes that may trigger for you which strengths may not be what we would like them to be:
“The middle ground is not my forte.” Leonor Varcia
“People are not my forte.”
“Spring is not my forte.” Shenae Grimes
“Musicals are not quite my forte.” Cristin Milioti
“Rapping is not my forte.” C. J. McCollum
“Patience is not my forte.” Enzo Amore
How many times have we heard, “Oh, that’s just not my forte.” In my experience, however, in order to deal with all the conflicts we are facing, we need to start venturing out of our fortified forts and transform those aspects of ourselves that are “not our fortes” into strengths, i.e. develop them instead of writing them off as unchangeable weaknesses.
When I have been asked to resolve conflicts between Boards of Directors and organizations, I have found common themes among all those conflicts that ended in calmer seas. Those themes may give us some ideas for developing strengths we may not have at the levels we need to find peace. Serendipitously, they can be captured by the acronym FORTE.
Forgiveness
Ownership
Respect
Trust
Empathy
Forgiveness. After 54 years of marriage, I have learned that forgiveness is a key to happy relationships. Forgiveness, to me, means that I let go of the illusion that all my needs should be met whenever I may have them. in short, to embrace humility. When forgiveness is preceded by acceptance and followed by gratitude, it’s easier to sail the stormy seas that pop up in any relationship. Acceptance is simply to acknowledge that different people, including our partners, have different needs, interests, desires, preferences and passions than we do – and to value those differences. Gratitude means being thankful for what is present instead of what’s missing. Forgiveness for grievances past and present is the first step on the path to “peace when we are done.”
Ownership. One of my favorite constructs is fair attribution of variance. In organizational dynamics, this means figuring out who owns what responsibility for a particular result, positive or negative. Ownership does not come easily for most of us. We would prefer to blame others when things don’t go as planned and take more credit than deserved when things go the way we intended. Taking ownership requires us to assume appropriate responsibility for our role in any given problem.
Respect. In helping, one of the core conditions for successful outcomes is to show respect for the person you are intending to help. It’s a stretch of the imagination to think that someone will change a behavior or a belief if they feel disrespected. For example, calling people deplorable has a bad track record for advancing a cause. People are more likely to rally behind a new idea or direction if they feel that their point of view has been heard and respected. Feeling dismissed doesn’t usually result in passionate support for any person or idea. We need to remember that phenomenon in the upcoming election.
Trust. Nothing changes without trust. It is the primary building block for high performance. Without trust, it is nearly impossible to engage in healthy conflict or to secure commitment to a new direction. Trust depends on our words, our actions, our ability to demonstrate understanding, and solid evidence that we are committed to the greater good instead of our own ego needs. In order to build trust, we need to be credible, reliable, purpose-driven and empathic. Which brings us to the E in FORTE.
Empathy. Healthy communications requires us to demonstrate understanding to each other’s feelings, thoughts, values and beliefs. Being empathic doesn’t mean that we have to agree with another person’s point of view, but we do need to reflect accurately and authentically what they are saying. Reflection, accuracy, and authenticity are critical elements of empathy. Demonstrating deep empathy requires us to thoughtfully reflect on what the other person says. We can’t just wait for them to finish what they are saying, so we can say what we want to say. Or worse, interrupt them before they even get to finish. Accuracy not only means to paraphrase the key words, feelings, and values or what the person may present, but also to reframe what they are saying in a fresh, new way. Authenticity requires us to be honest and genuine in our reflection – as opposed to flippantly dismissing what the person said.
I recently listened to three podcasts by Kelly Corrigan with Krista Tippett, Dan Harris, and Rainn Wilson which captured in poignant and powerful ways all the ideas represented in FORTE. These interviews were entitled: After Much Study: Conversations with People Who Spend Their Lives Learning. I found all three podcasts full of deep conversations about the ideas encompassed by FORTE. I highly recommend them if you want to go more deeply into any of these ideas or pursue new “strengths” as you carry on.
Given all that’s going on in the world and in our own country, I needed to reflect on what I could do to carry on. As I mentioned in the last few posts, I was particularly shaken by Biden’s debate performance and by his subsequent denial that his age could affect his performance in the next few years. And I am, of course, continually horrified by Trump’s ability to lie, cheat, and commit criminal acts and still lead in the polls. Those two realities, in the context of global catastrophes, combined with experiences in my local community, caused me to raise the question, “Where do I find the strength to carry on?” I figured I must not be alone in this existential quagmire. This post is my attempt to sail through this stormy ocean and emerge with some peace, hope and direction for the future. As is often the case, I wrote a poem to summarize my conclusions. The poem was inspired by lyrics of the song Carry On. You could call it shameless appropriation or appreciative aspiration.
If we want to rise above the confusion
We must destroy all illusion
That we’re above the truth
If we want to be a voice of reason
We must see facts in every season
And never soar too high
If we want to find peace when we’re done
We must think while we have fun
That stormy seas require great wisdom
If we want to end this mad charade
We must not join the parade
And pretend we can’t do better
I’m hoping we can find peace when we are done, and I’m hoping we can find the will to build new strengths that we would prefer to write off as, “Not my forte.” I’m also hoping Biden will quit denying the truth, that the voting public will not be blind to the charade in front of their eyes, and that all of us can find the strength to carry on. As Gurdjieff said, our guiding purpose should be to destroy the illusions we have about ourselves and the world. May it be so.
Also published on Medium.
May it be so indeed my friend! Thank you❤️