“Conversation about the weather is the last refuge of the unimaginative.” Oscar Wilde
“It was impossible to get a conversation going, everybody was talking too much.” Yogi Berra
“I believe that two people are connected at the heart, and it doesn’t matter what you do, or who you are or where you live; there are no boundaries or barriers if two people are destined to be together.” Julia Roberts
“A healthy social life is found only when, in the mirror of each soul, the whole community finds its reflection, and when, in the whole community, the virtue of each one is living.” Rudolf Steiner
This blog is an invitation to meaningful conversation. Over the past 10 years, I have written almost 300 posts inviting readers to reflect, react or respond to a word, a paragraph, or the whole idea of a particular essay. I’m always so pleased when people share how an idea in a post struck them or how a book recommendation inspired them to read.
This past week, I was invited to a conversation about finding a spiritual home. Three women had read my book On Being at Home in the Universe and wanted to record a podcast on my motivation for and experience of writing the book. It was a delightful conversation with kindred souls who were seeking ways to feel more at home in their particular body, spiritual community, town, country and universe. What a refreshing experience to talk about something other than the weather. These women genuinely expressed their own thoughts and feelings and genuinely inquired about mine. The conversation flowed freely and naturally for an hour and a half, and we could have kept going for hours more. Here is a link to the 30 minute distillation ____
A healthy conversation is not a “dialogue du sourde” as the French would say. It is an open, honest, direct exchange of ideas in which both parties feel heard and respected. In my experience, “conversations” often involve too much talking and not enough listening. Yogi Berra made an astute observation in his understated way. And my hunch is that Oscar Wilde found most conversations not much more stimulating than banal babble about the weather.
Meaningful conversations are important because they lead to deeper connections. We can be connected physically, emotionally, intellectually or spiritually. For me, conversations play a role in all of those dimensions of life. The difference between having sex and making love is conversation – verbally or non-verbally. The difference between an emotional outburst and an emotional connection is conversation. The intellectual difference between the banal and the beautiful is real conversation. The difference between bounded and rote religiosity and boundless and sublime spirituality is conversation – even in the form of meditation.
Where there are deep conversations and broad connections, there is community. We hear a lot these days about communities of interest and communities of practice. What if there were communities of kindred souls or communities of truth seekers? Communities give people a sense of belonging. Unfortunately, that can be for better or for worse. For example, the Oath Keepers and Proud Boys certainly provide a sense of community and belonging. Religious institutions give people a sense of comfort, certainty, safety and belonging. Political parties give people a sense of identify and purpose. Among those groups, there are few conversations and connections I care to have.
In his book, Belonging: The Science of Creating Connections and Bridging Divides, Geoffrey Cohen brilliantly summarizes the scientific research on belonging. He suggests that psychology has undergone a shift from analyzing individual problems to creating collective possibilities. He shows how a sense of belonging changes everything about group membership and how we perceive each other. I highly recommend it.
What I’m talking about are communities that are based on a foundation of truth, stitched together with love, and energized by healthy conversations and deep connections. I feel so grateful that my family is committed to all of those: truth, love, conversation, and connection. We often fall short, but those are our fundamental values.
My older daughter recently attended a poetry retreat facilitated by Padraig O Tuama. If you don’t know him, look him up. I loved his book, In the Shelter – Finding a Home in the World. Here’s a poem she wrote for one of Padraig’s master classes:
“The question that Deborah, a fellow seeker, poetry writer, and Omega dining companion, asked me at lunch and which caused me to rethink my relationship with artistic desire:
Who do you love and who is it you want to receive your offering?
The question that my father asked after hearing about the beautiful question Deborah, a fellow seeker, poetry writer, and Omega dining companion, asked me at lunch:
Who is it in you that needs this validation?\
The words that Padraig said this morning that reflected back the questions that Deborah and my father asked and that I think I will remember every day for the rest of my life:
We create because it creates us back while we we’re alive.”
Yes, my older daughter knows about conversation, connection, and community. And she creates them through songs, stories, and poetry. In so doing, she welcomes being “created back” in every encounter.
My younger daughter is in a physics PhD program at Columbia. She is studying quantum computing and learning how everything is interdependently entangled – from photons to physics labs with fellow students. Quantum computing leverages certain photons as quantum bits (“qubits) to execute computations. While classical computers process and store information in bits of either 0s or 1s, qubits can represent 0 and 1 simultaneously. Clearly, I have no idea what I’m talking about here, but I think the basic idea is that classical bits are binary and separate while quantum qubits are integrated and merged. Yes, there is a scientific underpinning for the shift from binary to interdependent – from living separately to living in community.
My younger daughter also understands the benefits of interpersonal conversation, connection and community. Getting through a PhD program in physics is a daunting task in itself. Trying to accomplish it on your own seems almost impossible. It’s the conversations, connections, and community in the lab with other students that not only make the journey achievable, but also enjoyable.
I also experience the joys of conversation and connection with my grandchildren. They are genuinely curious and totally open to new possibilities and perspectives. Ezra, my grandson recently asked me, “How do you know when you are spiritually enlightened?” Not exactly a question you might hear in ordinary conversation, much less from a 10 year old boy. Thrilled to be asked such a profound question, I replied, “I’m not sure it’s a destination you actually ever reach. It seems to me that we may experience moments of joy that somehow enlighten our spiritual journey. It’s less about an end-point than an opening to sublime and ecstatic experiences.” Hopefully, this conversation will continue as Ezra enters his teen years, and I enter the decade of my 80s. Who knows what questions he will ask when he’s 15. Yes, conversation and connection can bridge generational divides.
Ezra’s twin-sister, Annie, also asks genuinely innocent questions. Her favorite is, “How is your day going?” The beauty in her simple question is that she actually wants to know. It’s not a perfunctory or obligatory inquiry designed to fill a void. As I’m writing this post, I hear Alexa in the background say in her robotic way, “Here’s a reminder. I love you! Annie.” The last time she visited us, she programmed Alexa to share that greeting at 8:30 every morning. It’s such a wonderful way to start the day. What I really treasure about my grand-kids is that they are full of love and seeking to find their own truth. My conversations and connections with them totally energize me physically, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually.
These principles apply on a national and global level. If we engage in conversation (diplomacy), then we are more likely to find connections to common values, so that we can all live in healthier and more productive communities.
I wish more of our conversations, connections, and communities were based on truth, driven by love, and filled with the energy we need to find sustainable solutions to the complex problems we are facing. As Julia Roberts said, “we are destined to be together with no barriers or boundaries.” Personally, I find the strength to continue in this increasingly crazy world through the boundlessly joyful relationships I have with my family and friends. I’m hoping all of us can find ways to live together more harmoniously and joyfully – deeply connected through meaningful conversations in loving communities May it be so.
Also published on Medium.
Thank you Ricky!