Oh, come on! That was my granddaughter’s response to an article my daughter sent her on the rising need for sibling therapy. Actually, she and her twin brother have a surprisingly healthy, supportive and loving relationship for 14 year-olds trying to navigate the world. To be clear, my daughter wasn’t suggesting they need to consult a shrink to help them settle their occasional spats, conflicts and annoyances. She simply found the article compelling on several levels. It dealt with the political, religious, mental health and aspirational differences that can divide and destroy relationships. Since I was included in the text chain – containing multiple quips back and forth – I quickly read the piece my daughter had sent. If you wish, you can read it too right here.
To me, the article raised several critical questions about healthy and unhealthy relationships. Since I am lucky enough to still be in a relationship spanning 56 years – AND I have had the privilege of studying relationships my whole career – I want to share the biggest questions the article raised for me. Disclaimer: these questions have not been scientifically validated, nor do I pretend to suggest that they are the most predictive set of questions for healthy relationships.
What I do know is that relationships thrive on reflection. In the rush of daily life, it is easy to default to routines and miss the subtle shifts in how we connect, communicate, and grow together. Taking the time to ask honest questions allows us to step back and check the pulse of our partnerships.
Here are 10 reflection questions to help you explore your connections. Each question is followed with some brief commentary and a classic literary example to demonstrate how these dynamics manifest in life and love. I have included optional rating scales at the end of each summary if you care to quantify your answers. There is also a summary chart at the end in case you want to compare your responses to your partner’s responses. (Rating Scale: 1 = Very Low; 10 = Very High).
1.How open and honest are we with each other? i.e. How vulnerable are we willing to make ourselves to deepen our relationship?
Forming healthy relationships requires us to drop our defenses and step into the vulnerable space of radical transparency where authentic connections are forged. When we allow ourselves to be truly seen—flaws, fears, and uncertain thoughts included—we invite our partner into a space of shared safety, transforming potential friction into mutual trust. In Rainer Maria Rilke’s Letters to a Young Poet, Rilke reflects that love consists of “two solitudes that protect and border and salute each other,” capturing the quiet courage required to stand exposed yet connected before another. For me, being open, honest, and willing to step into a vulnerable space is foundational for healthy relationships.
RATING OPTION: OPENNESS AND HONESTY: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
- How does the assumption of responsibility and the assignment of blame impact our relationship?
In any partnership, assigning blame is often an automatic defense mechanism designed to protect our self-image from the discomfort of personal accountability. Real growth occurs when we shift our focus from asking who is at fault to examining the underlying dynamic both parties co-create during times of tension. In William Shakespeare’s King Lear, the tragic erosion of bonds stems directly from shifting blame onto external forces and denying internal accountability, showing how scapegoating undermines genuine relationship. For me, fair attribution of responsibility is one of the biggest challenges of healthy relationships. Both parties have to own their role in any given problem.
RATING OPTION: ASSUMPTION OF RESPONSIBILITY: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
- How willing are we to let go of the narratives we carry?
We frequently view our partners not as they are in the present moment, but through the outdated scripts, projections, and narratives we have carried forward from our pasts. Reclaiming clarity requires enough intentional mindfulness to suspend those internal stories and meet our partner with a fresh, unburdened curiosity. In Leo Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina, Levin’s personal journey illustrates how letting go of rigid internal expectations and storylines allows authentic love and real presence to flourish. For me, letting go of outdated beliefs and attachment to idealized expectations plays a major role in building relationships. Clinging to the past precludes us from envisioning a better future.
RATING OPTION: LETTING GO: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
- How different are our desires for closeness and intimacy?
Each of us naturally moves between the desire for deep emotional closeness and the sanctuary of personal autonomy. Recognizing and respecting these individual rhythms—without misinterpreting a partner’s need for space as emotional distance—is fundamental to maintaining dynamic balance. In Virginia Woolf’s To the Lighthouse, the dynamic between Mr. and Mrs. Ramsay reveals the delicate, shifting dance between individual solitude and the desire for shared emotional connection. For me, the most important thing to remember is that desires for intimacy and distance vary. Those differences need to be honored.
RATING OPTION: DESIRE FOR INTIMACY: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
- How has trauma affected each of us?
Unexamined emotional wounds leave subtle, reflexive patterns that govern how we respond to stress, conflict, and affection. Bringing gentle awareness and warmth to these historical pain points allows a relationship to transform from one in which each is reacting to the other to one in which there is mutual healing. In James Baldwin’s Giovanni’s Room, the tragic consequence of unaddressed inner fear demonstrates how unresolved personal trauma can prevent individuals from fully giving and receiving sustained love. For me, as a Vietnam veteran, I still carry the trauma of participating in that atrocity. Fortunately, my wife has been a constant source of support and compassion from the moment I returned.
RATING OPTION: MUTUAL HEALING: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
- How do biological differences impact our relationship?
Our physical bodies, nervous systems, and biological rhythms shape how we experience stress, energy, and comfort on a daily level. By developing empathy, acceptance and forgiveness for these baseline physiological differences, we replace frustration with an appreciative understanding of our partner’s personal DNA. In Barbara Kingsolver’s Prodigal Summer, the biological ties between creatures and their environment mirror how physical realities, body wisdom, and natural rhythms quietly shape human relationships. For me, acceptance of each other’s differences and forgiveness of your partner for not meeting YOUR neurotic needs are the best predictors of harmonious relationships. As a person born with excessive dopamine, I need all the forgiveness I can get.
RATING OPTION: ACCEPTANCE AND FORGIVENESS: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
- What are the effects of different drives and ambitions?
Divergent career goals, personal passions, and internal motivations can either fuel mutual inspiration or generate subtle friction if left unaligned. A thriving partnership views distinct ambitions not as competing forces, but as complementary energy contributing to a richer, shared life. In George Eliot’s Middlemarch, the contrasting aspirations of Dorothea Brooke and Edward Casaubon highlight how unexamined differences in drive can strain relational harmony when empathy is absent. For me, these unique drives and ambitions can fuel appreciative interdependence or competitive resentment.
RATING OPTION: GRATITUDE FOR DIFFERENCES: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
- How do we find comfort?
Where and how we seek solace—whether in quiet stillness, shared dialogue, physical presence, or immersion in nature—defines the refuge we build together. Ensuring that both partners feel supported in their unique soothing practices transforms the relationship into a steady harbor during uncertain times. In Mary Oliver’s poetry collection Devotions, comfort is repeatedly found in gentle presence and natural grounding, reminding us of the soothing simplicity found in belonging to the world and to one another. For me, it is important to acknowledge that each person finds different sources of comfort in their own ways.
RATING OPTION: RESPECT FOR DIFFERENT SOOTHING NEEDS: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
- What are the litmus tests that may impact our relationship (e.g., religion, politics)?
Foundational worldviews regarding ethics, belief, and societal duty form the structural bedrock of long-term alignment. When core values differ, relationships rely on deep intellectual humility and mutual respect to bridge ideological divides without compromising personal integrity. In Chaim Potok’s The Chosen, two friends with fundamentally opposing worldviews and religious frameworks learn to navigate deep conviction to build a bond rooted in profound respect and understanding. For me, while I wouldn’t call it a litmus test, I admit to having no interest in forming a relationship with people who don’t share key values.
RATING OPTION: COMPATIBLE VALUES AND WORLDVIEWS: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
- How do we deal with challenges, e.g. aging and aging parents?
Navigating the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual shifts of aging—both within ourselves and alongside our parents—tests a relationship’s resilience and deepens its capacity for grace. Meeting changing roles and inevitable vulnerability with shared compassion allows a partnership to act as a stabilizing anchor during life’s transitions. In Gabriel García Márquez’s Love in the Time of Cholera, the narrative beautifully honors the enduring, evolving nature of affection and partnership through the physical realities and deep tender complexities of growing older. Luckily for me, my wife and I have a deep, enduring, and trusting relationship. While I admit to acting unilaterally in my younger years, we now approach life as a team. Now, as an aging parent, I am aware of the challenges facing my kids.
RATING OPTION: COLLABORATIVE ENGAGEMENT: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
If you want to have some fun and are willing to take the risk, here is a matrix that enables you to compare, contrast, and communicate with your partner re: these dimensions of a healthy relationship.
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CRITERIA |
How I rate our relationship |
How I rate myself in that relationship |
How I rate my partner |
How my partner rates him or herself |
How my partner rates me |
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Openness and Honesty |
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Assumption of Responsibility |
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Letting Go |
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Desire for Intimacy |
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Mutual Healing |
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Acceptance and Forgiveness |
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Gratitude for Differences |
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Respect for Soothing Needs |
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Compatible Values and Worldviews |
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Collaborative Engagement |
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TOTALS |
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Oh, Come on. Yup. You have every right to say that regarding the need to rate the quality of your relationships on these 10 dimensions. It may be way too much, but I’m often guilty of expecting way too much.
I’m simply hoping we will all take the time to reflect on the relationships that matter to us and find ways to enrich them. I recognize that the insanity of the world in which we live can have a profound effect on how we love. I’m hoping that all our relationships can grow in spite of the context of our current times. May it be so.
And, yes, I did use AI to find literary references for each of the questions.
