A dear friend of mine turned 80 today. For most readers of this blog, that may seem like a milestone too remote to consider. Isn’t 80 a time when you are sent to the junkyard to rust out until a spot opens in the graveyard? I hope not. I would prefer to believe, as Roger Rosenblatt does, that we can still bring music to a room.
Since it’s such a big milestone, I wanted to give my friend a warm welcome into the ever-growing Octo Club. I assured him that we are now part of the fastest-growing segment of the population, both globally and in the United States. Our numbers are expected to triple between 2020 and 2050. He had already led an extraordinary, although imperfect, life, but we all need to be reassured at times.
It turns out that about 80% of people reach the ripe old age of 70; 60% live to be 80; and 23% live to be 90. On average, women live longer than men. Almost 70% of women live to be 80, while only about 50% of men make that milestone. Evidently, the longer you live as a man, the better your odds get. Fortunately, I hit the jackpot 56 years ago, so it really doesn’t matter.
Since I highly value this friend (he has been my most consistent supporter for over 50 years), I not only wanted to celebrate his birthday with him, but I also wanted to mark this milestone with an epicurean delight and a conversational invite. So during his birthday breakfast (yes, we celebrate birthdays in the mornings at 80, not in the evenings—much less the late evenings), we discussed how quality of life was so much more important than quantity of life. We also agreed that our 7th decade was one of our best. We thrived. AND, we surmised, our 8th decade might be more challenging. We committed to doing our best to make the most of whatever years remain.
During breakfast, in celebration and consolation, we came up with this chart to compare how we are doing with other members of this growing club. Here’s what it looks like:
|
Scale |
Estimated Share of 80-Year-Olds |
|
1.0 — Nursing Home / Memory Care
Requires round-the-clock professional medical supervision or intensive memory care. |
~4% – 5% |
|
2.0 — Assisted Living / Residential Care
Lives in a community setting with daily assistance for meals, medications, or personal care. |
~6% – 8% |
|
3.0 — Independent Living
Lives in a private residence or independent community; manages basic life activities but with limited active pursuits or mild functional limits. |
~45% – 50% |
|
4.0 — Fully Engaged in Activities
Living independently, socially connected, managing daily tasks effortlessly, and maintaining active routines. |
~25% – 30% |
|
5.0 — Vital (Physically, Emotionally, Intellectually & Spiritually)
Demonstrating exceptional vigor across all domains—physically robust, mentally sharp, emotionally resilient, and deeply purposeful. |
~10% – 12% |
We took comfort in our self-assessments of 4.5. We patted ourselves on the back for being in the top 20% of the Octo Club. My grandchildren would tell me that comparisons are not important. What matters is how we feel about ourselves—whether or not we are still working hard, learning, and having fun. Or is that what I tell them? When you turn 80, sometimes you forget who said what to whom.
I then shared an epiphany I had during my meditation that morning. (I find that when I sit quietly I sometimes have a “revelation,” which I often share with my wife.) This morning what came to me was, “Young people worry about losing their virginity; old people worry about losing their equanimity.” I know, that’s a weird insight for a meditation. But I knew my friend would appreciate it. We discussed how, as we begin our journey into our 80’s, our biggest fear is to become grumpy old men instead of presenting a consistently calm and positive energy. We decided we are more interested in extending our equanimity than extending our longevity.
Since I’ve been a member of the Octo Club for almost two years, I thought I would wrap up the birthday breakfast by sharing some profound learning I had acquired from all my years in the trenches. After all, I figured, he was such a newbie in this ever-expanding circle that he might be open to my “preaching.” Given the fact that he has been an active and successful member of AA for 28 years, however, I’m not sure he really needed to hear what I had to say. Nonetheless, I shared my three pearls of wisdom (I spared him the alliteration):
- People are going to be who they are going to be.
- You can only do what you can to support another person AND it may not be enough.
- The biggest challenge of life is to accept whatever state of being comes your way. (See my last post on Accepting Reality).
Just to be clear, none of these lessons mean that people can’t change or that we should be less supportive of people in need. Even as an octogenarian, I still believe change is possible and that we should actively seek ways to help people realize their dreams and aspirations. Indeed, my grandkids have expanded and deepened my belief in possibilities. At the same time, we need to accept that much of life is beyond our control, and we have to accept that there are limits to what is possible—especially as octogenarians.
My friend graciously accepted my octogenarian wisdom and my welcoming ceremony into the Octo Club. We finished our omelets went home to take a nap. Hopefully, on our 90th birthdays, all of our parts will still be working, our ideas will be even more profound, and our attitude will not be too grumpy. May it be so.
