“None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free.”
“Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without.”
In a blinding glimpse of the obvious, I recently had a revelation during my morning meditation. It finally struck me, on an emotional level, that we are all hopelessly flawed. I found the full acceptance of that simple truth to be profoundly freeing. It made it so much easier for me to forgive myself and others for their imperfections and to be more deeply grateful for whatever gifts I may have and for all the gifts of the people I know and love.
One of my longest and most loyal friends, Dr. Ron Irwin, wrote a book several years ago entitled “Imperfect.” In the book, he humbly shares the shortcomings he experienced in his life. What made the book so powerful is the fact that Dr. Irwin was a world-renowned orthopedic oncologist who became Chief Medical Officer for a large multi-hospital system. During his career, he not only saved dozens of patient’s lives, but he also worked to improve the health care system. For him to freely admit to the flaws in his life was a truly generous expression of humility and grace. I remember giving him feedback on each chapter as he wrote the book, but it never really sunk in how important the message is. Owning our own flaws and forgiving the flaws of others makes acceptance and gratitude so much easier. And life, in general, less exasperating.
The simplest interpretation of the Confucius quote is that it is better to be a strong man with a weak point than to be a weak man with a strong point. The quote can also be interpreted to mean that one can measure success and greatness by learning from failures and that self-reflection after failure can lead to growth and improvement. Independent of what Confucius actually meant, I like the idea that the shine from a flawed diamond gives off more light than a “perfect” pebble. What’s ironic is that those who pretend they are perfect are usually those who are most flawed. No example required.
I have been lucky enough to have lived with several diamonds in my life. Each of my family members sparkles in their own way. And none is free. We are all a bit enslaved by one flaw or another. Paradoxically, acknowledging those flaws seems terribly freeing.
We humans are a messy bunch. We trip, we stumble, we make bad decisions, and sometimes we even wear mismatched socks. Hey, it’s even stylish these days. These imperfections, these flaws, are often seen as something to hide, something to be ashamed of. Embracing our flaws, however, is actually the key to unlocking a more authentic, fulfilling, and ultimately more human existence. What if, instead of striving for an unattainable perfection, we celebrated the cracks and crevices that make us unique?
The pressure to be perfect is immense.
Social media, with its curated feeds and filtered realities, perpetuates the myth of flawlessness.
We compare ourselves to others, feeling inadequate when we fall short of their seemingly perfect lives.
This pursuit of perfection, however, is a trap.
As Brené Brown, a research professor who has spent decades studying courage, vulnerability, and shame, eloquently states,
“Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.”
This constant striving for an idealized self prevents us from truly connecting with others.
Vulnerability, the willingness to show up as we are, flaws and all, is the cornerstone of authentic connection. When we pretend to be perfect, we build walls around ourselves, preventing others from truly seeing and knowing us. In her book, “Daring Greatly,” Brown argues that vulnerability is not weakness but rather courage. It is the courage to be seen, to be imperfect, and to let go of who we think we should be in order to be who we truly are.
The pursuit of perfection can also stifle creativity and innovation. The fear of failure, inherent in perfectionism, can prevent us from taking risks and exploring new possibilities. When we are so focused on getting everything right, we become afraid to make mistakes, and mistakes are often the fertile ground from which creativity blossoms. In the words of psychologist and creativity researcher Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, “The best moments usually occur when a person’s body or mind is stretched to its limits in a voluntary effort to accomplish something difficult and worthwhile.” Csikszentmihalyi was a Hungarian-American psychologist. He recognized and named the psychological concept of “flow,” a highly focused mental state conducive to productivity. He was the Distinguished Professor of Psychology and Management at Claremont Graduate University. He believed that embracing our flaws and accepting the possibility of failure allows us to step outside our comfort zones and reach our full potential. Flaws don’t necessarily prevent flow.
Instead of chasing perfection, what if we embraced our imperfections? Some Japanese philosophy finds beauty in imperfection, impermanence, and incompleteness. A chipped teacup, a weathered stone, a flawed diamond—these all hold a unique beauty that surpasses any manufactured perfection. Just as a diamond’s flaws create its unique brilliance, our imperfections contribute to our individual character and depth.
We are living in a world of petty pebbles pretending to be perfect diamonds—hopelessly enslaved by their delusions. Unfortunately, they have the power to subject us to the disasters of their bad decisions. A verse in the song I play and sing “flaw-fully,” Carry On Wayward Son, captures our situation with precise poetry: “Once I rise above the noise and confusion, just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion, I was soaring ever higher, but I flew too high.” We are living in the midst of a great deal of noise and confusion, and it’s hard to see beyond the illusions people hold about themselves and the world. Sadly, some of the most delusional people in history keep soaring higher in spite of their flaws. We can only hope they haven’t flown too high.
I just finished Louise Erdich’s new book, The Mighty Red, in which she describes the lives of many flawed humans doing their best to find their way. She concludes with a line that captures my sentiments exactly: “The times were pleasant but also desperate.” This was the world.” Erdich ended with the past tense, but for me, it seems pretty current: These are times that are pleasant AND desperate.
The descent into delusion applies to organizations as well as to individuals. We know from the wars in Vietnam, Iraq, and Afghanistan that government officials and military officers refused to acknowledge the truth about our prospects of nation-building the American way in Asia and the Middle East and to accept that our efforts, in spite of massive investments of human and financial resources, were failing. Leaders also fall into the trap of deluding themselves about how they are perceived. A recent PwC study found that 90% of leaders believed that customers trusted them, while only 30% of their customers actually did.
So what can we do to navigate this looney landscape? I believe the best we can do is to accept that we are all hopelessly flawed—some more than others. To me, acknowledging that fact makes every day a little more pleasant. If I can let go of any illusions of perfection, then maybe I can let whatever gifts I may have shine a little light on life. Given all that we have to carry, we don’t need to hang onto any illusions about ourselves or others.
I’m hoping all of us can find the courage to acknowledge our flaws and feel grateful for the diamonds in our lives. I’m also hoping all the pebbles out there don’t find their way into our socks and souls. May it be so.
Also published on Medium.
Love it! Thank you!