“So let us begin anew—remembering on both sides that civility is not a sign of weakness and sincerity is always subject to proof. Let us never negotiate out of fear, but let us never fear to negotiate. Let both sides explore what problems unite us instead of belaboring those problems which divide us.”
“The whole country wants civility. Why don’t we have it? It doesn’t cost anything. No federal funding, no legislation is involved. One answer is the unwillingness to restrain oneself. Everybody wants other people to be polite to them, but they want the freedom of not having to be polite to others.”
If you’re like me, you are feeling sick and tired of the culture of incivility that poisons individual debate and community relations.
You are probably also feeling despair because people seem so unwilling to change. It seems like we are stuck because potential breakthroughs don’t see the light of day.
In an attempt to reduce my feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, I reflected on the culture change projects in which I was involved in the past that were quite successful.
Here’s a brief summary of what I’ve learned about culture and change over the past 50 years.
Culture: There are three critical ideas for understanding culture.
- The impact of the culture is greater than we dare imagine.
- Our awareness of the impact on our own lives is less than we imagine.
- We can work together to create norms of our own choosing.
Change: There are three key phases to change.
- Resistance: Most people initially resist changes that disrupt the status quo or their comfort level.
- Acceptance: When people are included in change efforts, they are more likely to accept change.
- Commitment: When the perceived benefits of change outweigh the perceived losses, people are more likely to commit to the change.
In my experience, I have found that assessing and agreeing where we are on a scale and identifying where we want to be on that scale accelerates progress. In regard to improving community relations, for example, I propose the following scale:
5.0: Possibility
4.0: Authenticity
3.0: Civility
2.0: Complicity
1.0: Toxicity
In a toxic environment, people use whatever power they have to impose their will on others.
A toxic environment usually results in lose-lose relationships.
In a complicit environment, people get along by going along.
A complicit environment usually results in win-lose relationships.
In a civil environment, people are kind and respectful to each other.
A civil environment usually results in win-win relationships.
In an authentic environment, people engage in open, honest, and direct conversations without fear of repercussions.
An authentic environment usually results in win-grow relationships.
In a possibility culture, people are free to be who they are.
A possibility environment usually results in grow-grow relationships.
Process: There are three steps to creating the kind of culture we want.
- Name it
- Own it
- Change it
“Naming it” means calling out the problems and opportunities in individual and community relations.
In short, you have to name it to tame it. Scales help us do that. Naming it means acknowledging that our community relation norms are not what we want them to be and refusing to pretend that all is rosy.
“Owning it” means taking responsibility for our individual roles and responsibilities in the problem and solution.
It means accepting that our behaviors have not always been as civil or authentic as we would like them to be.
“Changing it” means deciding together what kind of norms we would like to create doing what is required to transform our aspirations into reality.
It means taking actions to create a more civil, authentic, and possibilistic culture, i.e. move up the scale.
Civility Norms: Based on multiple sources of input, I have identified 34 norms that describe what civility looks like:
- We engage in productive conversations – no complaining or finger pointing
- We can agree to disagree without repercussions
- People feel heard
- We engage in open, honest, and direct conversations
- We don’t rely on hearsay to make our decisions
- We listen more than we talk
- Our conversations begin with questions instead of assumptions
- We share common goals
- We treat each other with respect
- We are passionate about creating a healthy environment
- We are open-minded
- We operate with integrity
- We love our community
- We are kind to each other
- We appreciate the contributions of others
- We exercise self-control and restraint
- We interact with humility
- We forgive each other
- We are fair
- We sacrifice for the greater good
- We are cooperative
- We are inclusive
- We collaborate effectively with each other
- We place group success as a higher priority than individual achievement
- We greet each other warmly
- We say please and thank you
- We acknowledge the impact of our behaviors on others
- We welcome feedback from each other
- We are approachable
- We acknowledge the contribution of others
- We are sensitive to feelings
- We honor each other’s time commitments
- We address incivility
- We look for ways to help each other succeed
You may want to ask yourself, “How prevalent are these civility norms in my community and on the national and world stage?” It seems to me that the norms of the “cancel culture” may be stronger than the norms of a civility culture.
Please note that civility is only level 3 on the scale but, given the toxic nature of our current national and local dialogues, civility is an ambitious goal. And to further muddy the waters, civility doesn’t necessarily mean positivity. Truth can be inconvenient and uncomfortable. Hard.
Realism is required.
In fact, too much positivity can be toxic.
We see examples of toxic positivity every day from national leaders.
To take that point one step further, civility and complicity to one group may be toxic to another. Historically, us white folks have wanted black and brown folks to “go along to get along” while we clung dearly to our white privilege. We also are guilty of resenting minority authenticity when that shakes us out of our comfort zones. If you want to hear a powerful and truthful statement to that effect, listen to this video.
Hearing the message in that video made me feel uncomfortable and forced me to own not only my privilege but also my role in the problem.
It made it harder for me to pretend that I am faultless and somehow noble because of my liberal views. As it turns out, these are precisely the two obstacles that keep us from moving forward together authentically in pursuit of new possibilities.
On a positive note, I am working with two communities that are authentically trying to move up the scale. The Coalition for the Possible, a group of concerned citizens in Elk Rapids, Michigan is coming together to create more civil norms in their community. The Coalition for the Possible gives citizens a chance to leverage their respective strengths and amplify their collective voices in an effort to create a more civil environment.
I also have the privilege of working with a coalition of nonprofits and agencies in Northern Michigan concerned with environmental protection. Their concept of Radical Interdependence is attempting to align their work around a common mission to protect and preserve natural resources, provide equal access for all constituents and to enhance and restore our environment.
These leaders in the work of Radical Interdependence not only operate civilly and authentically, they also are working together in pursuit of possibilities for a safe and healthy environment.
When I am feeling exhausted by the contentious and acrimonious debate both locally and nationally, I can shift my focus to more positive endeavors. I feel extremely lucky and grateful to have that option. I’m hoping that anyone who reads this post is equally as fortunate.
My point in this post is that, in order to productively pursue possibilities (level 5), we need to name toxicity (level 1), own our own complicity (level 2), engage in civil conversation (level 3), and practice authenticity (level 4). So, as JFK said, let us begin anew. Grow- Grow – may it be so.
